I understand how weird that sounds, especially considering who I am. It makes this difficult to write and even more difficult to share. I am an affirmed believer in the Creator, His Son Jesus Christ, and in His Word. Admitting that bible verses hurt me, and not in the "forgive me for I have sinned" way but in the "that verse brings back memories of pain" kinda way, compounded by the "I don't know what to do with this anymore" kinda way, is pretty personal stuff and hard to even explain.
"Be anxious for nothing..." from Philippians 4:6-7 is the one that stands out most for me. It reminds me of our persistent prayers for Yulissa, my niece, to survive. We all prayed incredibly hard. We may have been a bit anxious, but really, not much. We truly believed she'd be healed. We beat back fears. We didn't ask amiss. We followed instructions. It didn't work. She passed away after 50 days battling complications from hemophagocytic lymphohistiocytosis, which is a condition I literally can't pronounce. March 30, 2012 is what I call my own Day of Pentacost...
Everything changed that day. Yeah, I mourned my niece and continue to do so, though I am encouraged she's dancing in princess gowns in heaven, having tea parties with Jesus, Joseph, and Joshua, them all sitting in chairs entirely too small for them but enjoying her company so much they fail to feel any discomfort. Yeah, she's having a ball!
But anyway, I know that I will never be the same. After she passed, I remembered all of the prayers, bible reciting, rebuking the spirit of doubt, and so on, and felt forced to reconsider what all of that meant. You see, we failed... or something. According to my understanding of the scriptures I quoted, we quoted, we didn't get it right, because my niece isn't here anymore. No amount of comfort provided by my dreams of her tea parties can change that.
So now I question everything. I don't question who God is and such, but I question just about everything else. It's not to say I doubt Him, but to admit I don't understand Him. The biggest question I now have, that this experience has forced me to boldly admit that I've been wondering for years, is "what exactly is the Word of God?"
Yeah, I went there. I've been scared of going there for so long, but I think keeping my question hidden only further separates me from God. So, what exactly is His Word? The obvious answer is "the Bible" but I'm not too convinced the answer is that simple anymore. I mean this: is the bible the unadulterated Word of God, or is the physical bible we hold the medium through which we receive the unadulterated Word of God? Is the bible spiritually perfect, or literally perfect?
Since the aforementioned passage that hurts me so much is attributed to Paul, I've also come to ask: "Did Paul know he was writing The Bible when he wrote all those letters to churches? I mean, I think it's a pretty good question; we take what he says as gospel, but did he know we were going to do that? He instructed his mentee Timothy to drink some wine at some point since his stomach was weak; does that very person-specific advice seem as something you'd record if you knew your letter to the kid would be canonized and held in equal regard as the whole Pentateuch (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy)?
So what do I do with this? Is Paul's advice a set of how-to instructions, or simply encouragement? If I had saw his words as encouragement then, they wouldn't hurt me so much now.
Men and women grossly smarter and vastly more knowledgeable than I have tackled these questions and much deeper questions for years and I suppose we'll be grappling with them until we all meet Him. Some who have questioned as such have grown much closer to God; others have turned away from Him. As for me, I can't say with any surety how it'll all shake out, but I can assure you that I will forever affirm who He is. He's my God. I know Him. Understand Him? No. But I know Him. I've seen Him for myself. And I believe He's invited me to get to know Him better, starting by shaking my fear of asking unpopular questions and trusting He still loves me and will even be gracious enough to answer me.
Pray for me as I keep moving towards Him and His truth. And if you're both curious and adventurous, I invite you to fearlessly find it too.
Praying for you that you continue to hold strong to the Lord.
ReplyDeleteWe are all humans and it is ok to question things when they happen but it's important to draw closer to God when you have no answers.
I commend you sharing your struggles with us, Jeff, and I will be praying for you in this. I realize that it's never easy to get this personal. I don't understand Him either. I don't know if any of us could boast of that. But like you said, I still place my trust in Him as my God and I believe what He says. One of the things I glean most from David in the Bible is that he was like that. He trusted God through crazy and painful circumstances but he asked a lot of questions. He questioned God. Sent up prayers without sugar coating his discontent or his lack of understanding and I think God validated that by putting it in his Word. I believe David got some answers but probably not all of them. But I know David had a peace about things that you could say God "took" from him (like his child or even the building of the temple) that no one around him could understand. I don't know if our brother John and his family knew peace before Tootie's passing. I think they probably had peace, but i don't know if they knew it. Felt it. Could display it and pass it out to others. I don't know if David knew comfort before his trials. I think he had it, but that ability to give it to me... I think that came in the trials... The testing of it... idk. I'm rambling now. crying and rambling. Don't rambling while you cry. It doesn't come out right.
ReplyDeleteGod has the answers. So I don't think He minds questions. He just wants us to go to Him for the answers. But I can't say He will give all of them to us now (like Job) or that they will even make sense to us when He does (like the disciples). But I believe the Word is God. Because He said it was. Yes. And because I don't think David had it I him. I don't think David could do for me what Psalms has done for me. I don't think David could pick my mom's broken heart off the floor when they did and make her my mom again. The God of all comforts did that. And Psalms is a of part of Him.
Even though I believe His word, I don't think I always understand it. But sometimes I wonder if I even want to. Do I really want to know who God is? What if He's different than I think He should be? God is love, Yes. But what if love means something other than what I think it means? One of the hardest passages for me when I was younger was Hosea. His life was an example. Example?! God used his life to show Israel exactly what the relationship between them was like. Like a man who loves a whore who does’t love him. Not marries a whore. Not cares for a whore. Not loves a whore who loves him too but she got issues. No. Loves a loveless whore. Owww. I hated the thought of that. Now I know God doesn't use signs like this anymore, so I don't think He'd use our lives as an example quite like Hosea, but I really ached at the portion of scripture. Really, I loved it. It meant God meant to hurt me and I think that made more sense to me then, than the truth that He loved me. But as I read scripture, saw God work in my life, and actually got to know His love for me, I think I have a better understanding of it now: HOSEA GOT TO LOVE LIKE GOD. WOW. Now I'm sure that hurt. Like the dickens. But wow, to truly love like God. Unconditional and everlasting. Can't say I don't want that. I strive for that daily and Hosea got it. God gave it to him.
What if God's will is bigger than my pain right now? I mean, I'm supposed to be like Christ, right? And Christ suffered pain and afflicted, so it’s part of the transformation then, isn't it? I don't like that. I don't want that to be a thing. Really, truly, I really just don't want it to be a thing for you, Jeff. I hate it. I don't understand it and it's hurting you and I hate it. But what if I don't understand what "answered prayer" is? And I don't know what "treasure in heaven" means? I have to trust He does. And that my God of all comforts has plenty to continue to pour on you.
DeleteWelp. That was a lot. Sorry. but you've given me a lot to think/pray about. Love you, Jeff and again thanks for sharing. I'm praying for you and for God to show you whatever it is He means to show you.